Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wish I'd Said That

In my nearly 20 years of preaching and teaching for churches, I've told my share of preacher's stories, many borrowed from other preacher's I've heard or read. A favorite resource I've used over the years is a little book edited by Cleon Lyles entitled Wish I'd Said That. Here are some sample anecdotes and sayings from this book.

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The story is told of a young man who, while preaching his first sermon, emphasized over and over that "The commentators did not agree with me?" on this or that. The next Sunday, a kindly old lady came in the auditorium lugging a heavy bag. She took it down to the front and deposited in ear the pulpit, and explained to the minister: "Young man, I heard you complainin' last Sunday that common taters don't agree with you; so I brought you some sweet taters to try."

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There are too many people like the men who went 'coon hunting on Wednesday night. One said: "We are liable to go to the devil for hunting while there is a worship service at the church." The other replied: "I couldn't have gone anyway; my wife's sick at home."

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A hangover is something that happens to heads that weren't used the night before.

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The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. Little Johnny raised his hand, "My mother looked back once while she was driving and she turned into a telephone pole."

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In his birthday gift to his girl, the young man penned this note: "You're a sweet girl. May the Lord bless you and keep you. I wish I could afford to."

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A man came home and saw his children and others on the front steps and asked what they were doing." We are playing church," they answered. The father was puzzled, and on inquiring further, he was told, "Well, we've already sung, and prayed, and preached, and now we're outside on the steps smoking."

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A boy came home and reported to his father that he had been given a part in a school play. His father asked him what part. "A man married for 25 years," the son answered. The father looked sad. When the boy asked why, he replied, "I was in hopes you would get a speaking part."

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Some people are so pessimistic when they smell flowers they look around for a funeral.

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When tempted to gossip, breathe through your nose.